30 May 2006

The Time Now

I woke up before my alarm clock went off at 5:30 AM, despite going to bed very late. This, to me, is auspicious. I don't believe in signs or portents, yet little things, things like having someone buy and cart away all my remaining outstanding possessions seven hours before I was due to depart, were a great comfort to me, and I felt released. Feel complete, somehow. Is this what is meant by "less is more"? I made someone's life better. I didn't get as much as I wanted, but got more than I expected, and in life, I think that is perhaps the best thing possible.

Little Saran Wrap's borrowed carrier is full of his toys and balls. Of all the catchen I have known, Saran Wrap is the most, I suppose, playful. During my emptying of the apartment I found a great many things he'd say he'd borrowed and accidentally lost. It makes me smile, and reminds me you just never know what you will find.

We are in the Supershuttle together just around 7 AM, and while I feel quite calm, if a little dazed and tired, poor Saran Wrap is not taking things with such enquamity. But I am not worried, because I know what frightens him is the newness of the experience, and the enormity of his losses thus far. I talk to him, but I know he doesn't yet have the context to believe me (please don't think I'm nuts for talking about talking to catchen, they are family members and I try to communicate what I can to them, I know they understand the concept of communication, for they have developed their own sign language with me so I can understand who wants what perfectly even when asleep at 3 am). For him, this process thus far has been nothing but a series of frightening losses, and I hope he will soon see it as a process of gains. In a way, I am glad he was the one not certified for cargo travel, for he of the three has never yet met my mother. In a few hours he will know his world is not lost, but for now, all I can do is sit by him, respond to his need for comfort, and be there as the one familiar thing left in his world.

I remember the last time I felt this auspicious. Oddly enough, it also involved a trip and Illinois and even the Dulles airport. Seven years ago, about now, actually, I flew into Dulles from Budapest and knew my entire world was changed. Everything was known and yet looked unfamiliar and felt awkward. The key difference between then and now is that then, I was not ready to return to America, and to Illinois, not really, and the adjustment to my new self took years. Now, I feel a sense of completion, of having had enough and not wanting seconds, with living in the DC area. It was beautiful and wonderful in many ways but I know it is not the be all end all, and no one place is. That is only found within myself.

It's now 9 pm local time and I've had a long day. Saran Wrap, who's also been named Captain Thrashpants and Thrashy McMeatpants (an inside joke) didn't tolerate the trip over well and he, well, thrashed around a lot. Fortunately, though, as soon as he saw Matisse and baba, he settled down and is acting as well as the others, which is to say that there's a heavy demand on my attentions.

I love the catchen.

I'm tired and I must confess I feel rather as fish out of water, but not in a horrific way, just all of this will take getting used to. I have furniture I want to modify and to paint, to take ownership of in my own way. I don't want a slapdash good enough apartment, even if the items are gathered inexpensively and are not meant to be forever.

I think I know pretty well by now just what "not forever" means.

And yet I wish to take ownership and to love what I have, because a home full of things I love is worth the pain.

Tomorrow morning I will walk into my home for the first time. It's unreal, almost, and despite how familiar the floorplan is, I'm just not quite sure what will go where. But that's okay. Tomorrow night I will have 3 catchen and a bed in my own one bedroom apartment and that's something. That's a start.

4 Comments:

Blogger Chris said...

*hug*

11:20 PM  
Anonymous Janine said...

Hope you and the catchen settle in quickly :-)

5:07 AM  
Anonymous Dave Daniels said...

I'm glad you are all making it through this together. In a way, you are helping each other in some very miraculous ways. I'm hoping the best for you all.
Dave

11:38 AM  
Blogger Peevish said...

The catchen will make all the difference. Good luck!

11:27 PM  

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